03 May 2011

10 Things I Should Have Learned In College, But Didn't

10. How to tap a keg
9. How to chug/shot-gun a beer
8. How to surf
7. How to primp myself for a night out
6. How to get free drinks (probably correlated w/ the above)
5. How to roll a joint
4. How to make a bong out of lab equipment
3. How to calibrate a microscope
2. How to drink copious amounts of coffee without getting cracked out
1. What the hell I wanna do with my life

    08 April 2011

    A Grizzly End

    About a dozen years ago, I passed the innocence of my adolescence riding bikes, shooting hoops, and placing bets with the boy who lived across the street. One warm spring afternoon we sat on the steps of his front porch engrossed in a game of five card draw. I glanced at the two fives side by side in my left hand, flanked by a couple of useless red and black numbers and the suicide king. Fingering two quarters in my right hand I stared into the face of the boy who lived across the street trying to determine whether or not his fifty sent raise was based upon a genuinely good hand. The small pile between us was splattered with disks of silver and copper, there had to be over a dollar in there already, what was he playing at? But before I could decide, my attention was diverted by a hysterical scream coming from my house. I stood up and peered over the small wood wall obstructing my view. My parents were standing out on our front lawn; my father had run into the house and dragged my mother calmly out—there was something he needed to tell her in secrecy. Now she was in tears fighting him off as he attempted to quiet her. I immediately ran to them, neighbor boy at my heels. “What’s going on?’ My voice was small and scared. “Get in house!” my dad bellowed. I looked to my mom. “He ran over Grizzly!” she sobbed continuing to punch and scream at my father. “Asshole! You Asshole!” My eyes widened. “I said get in the house!” my father repeated in a more threatening tone. I stood staring at them in confused disbelief when I felt a soft shove on my shoulder. “Come on.” My playmate led me inside. My sisters had all gathered in the living room in a confused panic. They were kneeling on the couch fighting with the blinds and each other to watch the drama unfold through the large front window. “What’s going on?” they asked as I entered. “Did she say he ran over Grizzly? Did he?” “Yeah…uh…don’t know…didn’t see” I pushed between them to get my own spot at the window. Then my parents entered still arguing. “What happened?” we all cried at once. “He ran over Grizzly!” my mother sobbed once more. “What?” “Really?” we all gasped. My father turned to us. “I’m sorry girls. She was lying under my truck. I didn’t see her.” He was noticeably agitated.  He returned his attention to my mom. “You were supposed to keep it quiet! Look, I’m sorry. Calm down. I need to go to work. Take care of this.” He stomped back outside, hopped in his work truck, and drove off. “Asshole!” my mom screamed after him. We turned to her in a panic, “Is she okay? What do we do?” She picked up the phone to call animal control. “There’s a lot of blood. I need towels,” she instructed. We fetched them and attempted to walk outside. “No, stay in here. I don’t want you guys to see her.” Large tears were still falling from my mother’s eyes, slowly sliding down her cheeks and splashing onto the ground. “But I am gonna need some help…” The neighbor boy jumped up to her aid in an attempt of premature masculinity and she accepted. They headed outside and once again my sisters and I jockeyed for position at the front window. Our hearts pounding and eyes streaming we watched our dog, my first and most loved pet, dying. For twenty minutes we stared out that window as the black chow struggled to get up, jerking her head in wild movements forever scaring us with the image of matted black fur and spouts of blood pouring from what were once her eyes. Finally, the animal control truck pulled into our driveway. A uniformed man exited the vehicle and handed my mom a clipboard with a mound of paperwork that needed to be filled out before they could do anything. We had overheard their muffled conversation and were appalled. Finally having someone upon whom to take out all her anger and frustration my sister, one year my junior, burst out the front door. “What’s wrong with you?!” she screamed at the man. “Can’t you see she’s suffering?! Just make it stop! Please! We’ll fill out your paperwork, just please take care of her!” Startled by the hysteria of a grieving 11 year old, the man obliged and loaded the declining animal into his truck as my mother scribbled upon his pages. The rest of us slowly exited the house and we all gathered on the lawn, consoling each other as we watched them drive off into the sunset never to be seen again.

    31 January 2011

    Sky Diving

    In college, for some assignment, I interviewed some dude my roommate knew and wrote a brief monologue based on that interview. For some reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately, so I decided to reproduce it here.

    How would I describe myself? Hmm...I guess...I guess I'm a little odd. I'm not like everyone else, in that I choose to do things my own way. And the older I got, I found that that's cool, ya know? So now I'm just this weird, kinda fun, happy-going kinda guy, ya know? Also, I had this minor drug problem when I was a kid--and my mom knew it. One day I was lying on the couch in her apartment and she bursts in through the front door and she's like "you're coming with me!" And she took me down to this little airport by the Tijuana border...and she made me go sky diving! And it was like this totally new, incredible high that I had never experienced before. And it was like right then, automatically, I don't do drugs anymore because my mom took me sky diving, ya know?

    14 November 2010

    Excerpts from my atrocious NaNoWriMo attempt

    He was waiting in front of the bar when I arrived. We had both shaved; me, my legs and under-arms, he the scattered stubble that had littered his face on our last encounter. We had hung-out countless times before, but somehow we both knew that tonight would be different. We each had plans, or at least were open to them.

    “Hey” I smiled, “I finally made it!” He glanced at his watch, ten minutes after our agreed upon hour.

    “It’s about time” he joked.

    “Parking’s a bitch.”

    “LA” he shrugged and opened the door. I led us to the bar counter and ordered two Jack and Cokes. We preferred to put on a thick layer of liquid armor before peeling off one another’s clothes. Four rounds and several cigarettes later we stumbled onto the street arm in arm trying to steady each other from gravity’s sinister pull.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    We finally arrived at the door of his apartment. 32B. He fumbled with the keys. It was cold and I was growing impatient. He located the correct metal sliver and slid it easily into the keyhole. He twisted it to the left. It gave a slight click and he pushed the door in. I walked into the welcoming warmth of his tiny apartment. Tidy as always. In the living room, a small brown couch, one side slightly indented marking Randal’s usual place, was facing a large flat-screen television. Game counsels and a DVD player sat in the shelf of the TV stand that supported this focal point. Just next to it was a case neatly displaying a library of DVDs, video games, and books. Upon entering we both removed our shoes. Randal headed straight for the bathroom while I traipsed to the small kitchenette. I grabbed two beers from fridge and popped them open with my keychain. Though I was quite inebriated I feared that my blood alcohol level had decreased dramatically during our 45 minute travels and I was eager to preserve the buzz as long as possible. I carried the bottles back into the living room where Randal reclined on the couch’s left-most cushion. I handed him a beer.

    “Thanks. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

    “How about some music?” I suggested.

    “Sure. I just gotta grab my computer.” He lifted himself off of the couch and reached the bedroom door in just a few strides. I followed him inside and took a seat on the corner of his neatly made bed. As he was lifting the laptop he turned and saw me “oh…uh…o-okay…” He blushed. Clearly he wasn’t expecting me there. I could tell that the sight of me on his bed filled him with both excitement and anxiety. This delighted me. I took a swig of my beer as he tried to decide upon some suitable tunes. He chose a song and turned to me for approval. I looked back at him invitingly, just long enough for him to notice and then quickly turned my attention back to the smooth, cold bottle in my hands. He took a seat beside me and nervously stared at the small round opening of his bottle, scratching at the label with his thumbnail. I tilted my head back and took a long drawn-out drink. I brought my face level and swallowed. His dull, hopefully eyes were burrowing into my light, unfocused ones. He seemed to be searching for courage or perhaps permission to make a move. I jumped up. “Bathroom” I announced and swept out of the room smiling at the shocked disappointment on his face.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I enjoyed standing on his pedestal to be admired. The way he looked at me, his intense interest in my most fleeting thought, his eager need to please me; all provided a high I had never before experienced. I became obsessed with his obsession.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One evening as we sat nestled on his worn brown couch, Randal shouting answers at the glowing television screen, “Who is Richard Nixon!” I posed the question that had been bothering me for a few weeks, “do you think we’re boring?”

    “Huh? Hold on, it’s almost a commercial.” I sat sulking as he missed the last few clues before Alex announced the break. “Sorry, whadja say?”

    “You didn’t even know them anyway!” I huffed. “I asked, ‘do you think we’re boring?’”

    “No. Why? Who said that?” He looked at me curiously. “I’m having fun, aren’t you?”

    “Not at the moment, no.”

    He looked at me slightly hurt. “Aw, come on, Jeopardy rocks!” His disgustingly textbook smile tried to placate me. I rolled my eyes.

    “Yeah Jeopardy’s cool. But I meant in general. All we ever do is sit around your apartment, watch Jeopardy, play you’re stupid video games, drink, drink, drink!” I shouted holding up my nearly empty beer. He paused to watch the unveiling of the Double Jeopardy categories. I took the opportunity to go to the kitchen to grab another beer.

    “Okay, so stop drinking so much,” he retorted when I returned.

    “You know that’s not what I meant.”

    “What did you mean? I bore you?”

    I gave a nervous smile, “well…yeah…”

    “Fuck you Kelsey!” He snarled.

    I chuckled, “So sensitive Randy.” I placed a cruel drawn-out emphasis on the last word

    “Ugh! I hate to be called that!” I felt a twisted grin on my face.  Frustrated, he continued screaming, “I’m trying to watch something, just let me enjoy my boring life in peace!”

    “Fine!” and with that I threw the newly opened bottle at his head and stormed out of the apartment.

    He called later that night. I sat at my computer, mid keystroke, when I was startled by the Fruging of my phone. Randal’s name and face appeared on the screen. I answered tentatively, “Yes…?”

    He was totally wasted and his voice was cracking. “I’m…so…sorry…babe,” he sobbed. “I shouldn’t…have yelled…an...an...and kicked you…out…like…that.” I listened silently as he took deep gasping breaths between every few words. He paused to gather himself and then continued more fluently. “I was stressed from work, I…I…I didn’t…mean to take it out on you.”

    I considered his apology in silence. Listening to his nervous breath, I took my time before responding. He deserved to suffer just a bit longer. “You’re really drunk” I finally spoke.

    “I know…but I…I…I I really am sorry.”
    “How about we talk it over tomorrow when you’re a little more coherent.”

    “Yeah!” he exclaimed eagerly, “Over lunch?”

    “Sure. I’ll text you a time and location tomorrow.” I ended the call before he could get another word in.

    At 12:30 on Tuesday afternoon he met me at a café near my coffee shop. He had a small red cut just off center on his forehead a few inches above his left eyebrow. There were dark circles under his eyes; the result of tears, too little sleep, and too much alcohol. I was impressed that I could have such a profound effect on a person.

    “So yesterday…” he started once our waitress trotted off after placing our plates before us.

    “Yeah, let’s talk about yesterday.”

    “Uh…I’m sorry. It was really terrible and I shouldn’ta got so upset so easily.” His voice was thick with shame and sincerity.

    “No, you shouldn’t have. Though I guess I shouldn’t have provoked you either. But you are way too easily provoked.” I half-apologized.

    “Yeah, I know. I’m really sorry.” He repeated. “If it helps, you have pretty good aim. That bottle you threw hit me square in the forehead and then totally drenched me in beer.” I tried to not to let slip a satisfied smile as I imagined Randal sitting on his couch in complete shock, his forehead stinging with pain, cold beer running down his face and soaking into his white T-shirt.  “But hey, I think that was our first fight. See we’re mixing things up already! Still bored?” He joked brightly. I laughed. “I am sorry you’re bored though…”

    “I’m not bored per se, but, I mean…” I took a second to choose my words carefully, I was feeling slightly bad for upsetting him last night and didn’t want to further injure him, “I feel like we do a lot of the same stuff over and over, and while I do enjoy it, maybe we can add some new activities to our lives.”

    “No, I know.” He conceded. “I’m a very routine kinda guy. I tend to get stuck in ruts. But I’m totally willing to try to be a little more adventurous. Just tell me what you wanna do.”

    I smirked, “are you giving me complete power?” He looked slightly nervous. “Any crazy thing I suggest you’re totally up for it, guaranteed?”

    “Er…” He stammered, a bit worried about what he may be agreeing to. “Well…uh…I don’t know about totally up for, but I’ll definitely give your suggestions serious consideration.”

    “I suppose that’s the best I’m gonna get from you” I couldn’t help myself from throwing in just one small insult. I stood, “Well, I gotta get to work. I’ll let you handle the check as part of you apology,” then I strode out of the café.

    19 October 2010

    NYC Subway Review

    I wrote this a couple of years ago and recently came upon it. I think its worthy of pitchfork.

    New York City Subway
    2.5

    The New York City subway will get you where you need to go; maybe not on time, but it’ll get you there.  This system has two car types.  The first seems to be going for a retro look with its yellow and orange seats and wood paneling.  It would almost achieve this too, if it weren’t for all those advertisements lining the top.  Though, these ads do have a way of getting in your head.  After a morning ride you’ll find yourself craving Budweiser and ESL classes all day long.  One good thing about this train type is that the seats are clearly defined; this aims to discourage passengers from taking up multiple spaces.  The other train type, with the long blue/gray benches, has a more modern look.  These trains do not have laid out seats, so optimum seating capacity is not ensured as in the aforementioned cars.  This, however, gives more middle space between benches and makes these trains more favorable for dance parties:

    Then there are the panhandling performers and bums that frequent the trains.  They are so cliché that it just might be working.  The highlight of these vagabonds is the Suitcase Lady at the 125 St. station on the A line; she may just be the saving grace of this whole system.  While the NYC subway gets praise for being adventurous and endeavoring to provide progressive travel, it may be deserving of little more celebration than its contemporaries and it’s not quite on par with public transportation systems of days past.
     

    02 October 2010

    What Would You Do?

    One warm summer evening my sister and I decided it would be nice to take a short bike ride along the local greenway trail. The trail, which was constructed a couple of years ago, replaced some obsolete railroad tracks and a large portion runs along the backyards of houses. After riding just a of couple miles we turned to head back home. As we were riding along immersed in frivolous conversation our attention was corralled by a ruckus just to our right. We turned to find a man crouching in the corner of his backyard swinging his arms wildly and yelling inbetween deep, panting breaths. At first I thought he was engaged in some sort of brawl with a dog. But my mind quickly turned to more atrocious anxieties when I realized what he was yelling. "Are you fucking around on me bitch?!" He screamed incessantly between blows. Upon this realization my sister and I pulled over and looked at each other completely confused and horrified. "What the hell is going on?" "Should we call the police?" we asked each other. Not quite sure of what we had just witnessed, my sister turned to ride back over to confirm that the man was hitting a woman and not an animal as we had first guessed. She returned to report that it was in fact a lady, who had freed herself and was now walking away from the man yelling at him. She seemed ok, wasn't asking for help, and as the incident did occur in a private backyard, we were unsure what to do. So, as I tend to do when at a loss, I called my mom. She told us to ride by again, assess the situation and call her back. If it seemed dangerous or like someone was in harms way we should then inform the police. So we rode by again to see the man and woman standing near the chain-link fence hollering at each other. we continued riding as I began dialing my mom when we heard motorcycles behind us, we turned back wondering why motorcycles were on the bike trail and to our relief we saw two cops approaching us. We pulled over and my sister called out to them, "hey we need your help!" They looked at us nodded and continued passed us. Assuming they had misunderstood her plea, we started jumping, yelling, and waving our hands frantically. The officers turned and looked at us, once again nodded and then just kept on driving forward. We were appalled. Not only did they ignore us twice when we explicitly told them that we were in need of their assistance and tried to flag them down, but they themselves drove right by the very disturbance that had worried us so without doing a thing. This man and woman were standing at the fence, in full view, obviously having a heated argument and these so-called agents of peace and protection didn't even hesitate! Aghast, I surveyed the trail looking for a hidden camera crew that would jump out at us revealing that they had set the whole thing up to see how people would react, but there was none to be found. Still unsure of what the hell was going on, my sister and I rode by one more time and it seemed like the situation was cooling down. The couple was still arguing, but no one seemed in any imminent danger, so we just rode home. I felt like an asshole for not doing anything, but I really didn't know what to do, and when I had tried I was completely ignored. Being on the trail I couldn't see street names or addresses, so if I were to call 911 all I could tell them was that there seemed to be a domestic dispute in one of the homes along the trail between 2 streets. Which I guess would probably have been better than nothing, but alas I did nothing.