10 Reasons I don't have Asperger's

I recently watched the move Adam with my sister. The title character is a young man afflicted with Asperger Syndrome. After the movie my sister kept calling me Adam. A few days later a couple of my other sisters viewed the movie. Then on separate occasions they each referred to me as Adam. In college two of my roommates took a course on Autism. After one particular lecture they excitedly came home and diagnosed me with Asperger's. In order to help me manage/overcome my disorder they said they would issue me a card and each time I asked a question relevant to a conversation I would get a stamp; once I had filled up my card with stamps I would get a prize. I'm still waiting for my prize. Anyway, for some reason everyone likes diagnosing me with this disorder, so I did some Wikipedia research and found characteristics of the disorder that don't apply to me:

1. Characteristic of Disorder: Failure to develop friendships
   Explanation: okay, so I'm not good at making friends, but failure indicates, well TOTAL FAILURE, as in no friends ever. I have a few, according to facebook I have 150!
2. Characteristic of Disorder: Lack of eye-contact and facial expression
   Explanation: I kick ass at eye-contact! I'm so good at it that I freak people out by over-contacting their eyes. Also I've been told that I have some pretty killer facial expressions. In fact, since I'm not a big fan of verbal exchanges I've developed the ability to carry on ENTIRE conversations with facial expressions alone.
3. Characteristic of Disorder: Awkward, but not withdrawn (will approach others)
   Explanation: Yes I'm awkward, however, I would also consider myself withdrawn -- no way in hell am I gonna randomly approach peeps I don't know and try to start a conversation!
4. Characteristic of Disorder: One-sided, long-winded speech without noticing others' disinterest
   Explanation: So when it comes to some things (i.e. wine and Jenny Lewis) I can talk forever, however, I know that no one else cares, I just talk about it anyway.
5. Characteristic of Disorder: restricted/repetitive routines                                                      Explanation: While I do like routine, I am not totally bound by it. For example, tonight I'm drinking Corona, last night I had hefeweizen, and the night before that I drank wine...would a person with Asperger's be able to handle such diversity? I think not.
6. Characteristic of Disorder: specific/narrow/unusual areas of interest
   Explanation: JL is probably my only unusual area of interest, plus I like other things...I'll let you know when I think of them.
7. Characteristic of Disorder: Atypical use of language/literal interpretations/difficulty with sarcasm
   Explanation: I guess I use language atypically in that I use it correctly, while unfortunately most folks today don't. As far as difficulty with sarcasm, I have difficulty not being sarcastic...I'm pretty sure that's not what they're referring to.
8. Characteristic of Disorder: weakness in irony/humor/teasing                                           Explanation: I like funny
9. Characteristic of Disorder: Marked verbosity
   Explanation: I rarely speak. Unless of course I'm drunk, but that doesn't count.
10. Characteristic of Disorder: Advanced abilities/"gifted" in a certain area
    Explanation: I have little, if any, talent.

Star Struck (Part 3)

Our third and final meeting occurred under different conditions.  This time it was in Washington DC after a Jenny Lewis concert. I was living in New York at the time, and though she was playing there just two days later and I would be attending that show, I couldn't possibly wait that long to see her. So I purchased tickets and forced my roommate to accompany on the four and a half hour bus ride into DC. Some poeple may think it a bit ridiculous to travel 5 hours on a China Town bus just to watch a lady sing for an hour, especially when she will be playing much closer in only a few days. In fact, this sentiment was expressed to me by several people. But this is Jenny Lewis we're talking about, so I grabbed a couple wine-filled water bottles and my reluctant roommate and hopped on the bus.

We arrived in DC around 4pm. The bus station happened to be right next-door to the synagogue where the show would be held so we headed over to see if a line had begun forming. There were no patrons in sight and the box office was not yet opened so we wandered around the city for a bit. My roommate wanted to explore, but I wanted to be sure to get a good seat so didn’t allow us to venture far. We returned to the venue at 4:30 and were informed that will call would not open until 6:45. To kill time we entered a nearby diner where I proceeded to consume one of my bottles of wine. Then we headed back to the venue about 6ish.  This time when we arrived there were the beginnings of a line, so we got in about 10 people back.  While there I consumed another half bottle of wine...a good buzz, feeling alright.  We finally entered the venue at 7, sat in the center of the second row, and enjoyed a FANTASTIC show. Once the band left the stage I fought my way to the front, begged for a set-list, and some how actually got one.

The show ended a little after 11 but our bus tickets back to New York were for the 1:30 bus.  My roommate, who for some reason hadn’t taken work off the next day and wanted to get home sooner rather than later, asked if we could swap our tickets for an earlier bus instead, the company obliged.  I, however, wanted to get my set-list signed so I encouraged my roommate to take the early bus but insisted that I would wait for the later one.  She was reluctant to leave me alone in a strange city, but being such a big fan, not to mention drunkenly stubborn, I eventually convinced her to go ahead without me.  She climbed on the bus while I waited outside the synagogue amongst the other hardcore fans hoping Jenny Lewis would shortly come greet us.

We had been waiting for about 20 minutes when a guy (I'm assuming her manager or something) came out and said, "Just to let you know I've been told that Jenny is not signing things tonight." A couple of people left after this news, but I and a few others decided to wait it out anyway. Sure enough, only 15 minutes later Jenny came out of the bus and walked right up to us.  Still drunkenly effusive I remarked, "that was an amazing show!" To which she graciously responded, "Aw, thanks.  It was fun. Thanks for coming." Then the girl standing next to me asked her to sign her set-list.  After signing it Jenny grabbed my set-list, signed it, and suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, you didn't even ask me to sign this! I just assumed…I'm sorry..." as though she had somehow ruined it. Surprised and amused by her humility, I awkwardly answered, "no, thanks...sorry for not asking...?" then she went on to sign stuff for other people, leaving me intoxicated by our encounter.  Contented, I shuffled into the bus station, where I sat smiling, staring at my signed set-list for the next hour until the bus came to take me back home.